Forgiveness ~ Choosing to Overcome Your Desire for Revenge
Will the rumors ever end, Will the hurt ever end, can the pain ever stop?
Perhaps authentic forgiveness can help you move beyond hate and the desire for revenge.
1. The decision not to seek punishment for those who have harmed you
2. A decision to release yourself from anger, resentment, hate, or the urge for revenge despite the injury you suffered.
3. To let go of hope of a different past.
4. A change of heart; ceasing to hate.
5. Responding to unjust hurt with compassion, benevolence, and empathy.
6. Moving beyond bitterness.
7. Cancelling a debt.
8. Choosing not to act on vindictive passions.
9. Discharging—removing the obligation for—a debt owed to you.
10. Ending estrangement and letting go of resentment and the urge for revenge.
11. Surrendering feelings of animosity and hatred when others harm us
12. Peace and understanding that come from blaming less that which has hurt you, taking the life experience less personally, and changing your grievance story
Related Terms
Amnesty—a general pardon for past offenses—is a variant of forgiveness that may focus more on the needs of the offender than of the aggrieved.
Vindictive passion—intense feelings of resentment, anger, hatred, and the desire for revenge against those who wrong us—are an integral part of human nature. They originate from the need for self-defense, for preserving our self-respect, and for maintaining moral order—our clear understanding of acceptable and unacceptable ways to treat humans. These passions are real, natural, genuine, legitimate, useful, and valid emotions. The goal of vengeance is to quench these vindictive passions.
While a moderate and proportional response to your injury can be appropriate, submitting totally to these passions is often very dangerous, especially when they are used as an excuse to justify destructive, sadistic, cruel, excessive, or violent behavior.
We control our actions. We are responsible for the choices we make. We can choose not to submit to these passions. We can exercise self control, allow the passions to dissipate, and choose to forgive. Vindictive passions may have every right to being the first word, but they don't have to be the last word.
The Paradox of Forgiveness
I know they are wrong. If I forgive them, how will they ever learn and change? I will never forgive them. I can't possibly let them get away with it. If I forgive them they will have won. I can never condone what they did; it is unforgivable. Despite these common objections, the truth is that forgiveness is an act of courage and not an act of weakness. Forgiveness is correlated with better physical health, reduced anxiety, reduced anger, and increased self-esteem. Forgiving may elicit a sincere apology which can provide additional comfort. As we reach out to the ones who hurt us, we are the ones who heal. Forgiveness restores the congruence between what you desire and what is possible and constructive.
Forgiving is Not Condoning
To condone an offense is to overlook or disregard a harmful action without protesting or expressing disapproval. Abuse can never be condoned, it needs to be prevented and stopped. But forgiveness is not about overlooking, endorsing, or excusing an offense. It is not about accepting the unacceptable.
Forgiveness is about releasing yourself from destructive emotions and a hurtful past. It is not about the offender, it is about yourself. You can forgive the abuser without condoning the abuse. The past does matter and it may make sense never to forget an outrage. Remembering may not be easy, but forgetting may be impossible.
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